Cry. Smoke. Drink. Cry some more. Fuck things up. Smoke. Another smoke. Yet another smoke. Cry again. Sleep.

Darling, don’t say you love me when we both know you don’t. You and I died when you broke up with me the first time last summer…

Hello, lovelies… I’m crawling back to you all.

I didn’t kill myself unfortunately (which in my last post I stated I would), as my ex boyfriend tried to break into my apartment at the time. Ironic. Lovely.

The last week I’ve been confined to my apartment space, having my social worker and doctor track my every move so I couldn’t hurt/kill myself. And actually things turned out just a little better after that… I’m still ranked as a high-risk patient, but I guess I’ll try to live as normal as possible until the next wave of shit hits me…

And I would like to thank all the lovely people who sent me messages - I’m in shock! Jesus, some of you are just… amazing.

My time here is almost done…

I’ve written my note, telling my loved ones to stay strong. All that’s left to do is to get myself a rope, and wait for the final trigger that will push me over the edge. I’m at a shitty place right now, so I guess I don’t have to wait for too long…

Sorry if this looks shit on your dashboards. Again, I’m sorry.

I know this sounds cliché, but if I were to jump off a chair with a rope around my neck, I would still regret 99.9% of my life. I even regret things that have never been in my power to change or do anything about…

Mom, I love you, but keeping me was and still is the worst decision you have ever made.

There are wide ranges of triggers and reasons behind one’s disordered eating, self punishment, control or weight loss in general. But there’s one thing that really upsets me about the majority of disordered tumblr users, and that’s the never ending pursuit of a fucking thigh gap!

First of all:
- The size of the gap between your thighs depends all on your genes (muscle developement) and bone structure. Bodyfat only plays a minor part unless you carry a significantly high amount of it.

- Wide set hips, big gap. Narrow hips, small gap or none at all.

- If you are “bow-legged”, you will much likely have a pretty big thigh gap even though your hips are narrow/small.

This is of course completely individual. All people are different, have different genes, bones, body structure and fat percentage. Don’t flame me if I’ve let a few factors out, this was meant to be relatively short…

Rant over.

Don’t ever fall in love, or let your feelings for someone risk your mental health and well-being.